GUEST POST*: Bio Mama Drama

*This post is written by Ashley Woodford of the Bio to Bonus Mom Blog

The only background information that is important here is that my son’s father and I were high school sweethearts, got married a year after graduation, got pregnant three months after that, and were divorced by the time my son’s second birthday rolled around.

At first we co-parented pretty okay. It wasn’t great, but there were minimal tensions.

Scene: Enter My Ex’s New Girlfriend

I was insane with jealousy when my son’s dad moved on…even though I’d already moved on as well. There was no logic: I never really wanted him back, but I didn’t want someone else to have him, either. I was selfish, and there is no denying it. I am not proud of how I handled so many of the situations, and I became all stepmom’s worst nightmare – I was a HCBM (high-conflict bio mom).

I am proud to say, however, that by 2009, she and I were friendly enough that she came to my son’s Kindergarten meet-the-teacher night. My reign of terror was relatively short-lived, and you’d be surprised at how the last ten years have changed my perceptions and understanding. It was not easy, but it was ultimately a matter of me moving past insecurities and fears instead of trying to change a situation that was not mine to change.

The Issue

At first, I was set, like Gorilla Glue set, on taking the “our son is my child and his child, and not your child” approach. In my mind, we would raise our son together, but not together and nobody else would be involved in any capacity. In my mind, I would never have to deal with his girlfriend, and his girlfriend would never matter enough to my son for it to matter to me. One time, I forgot to pack my son’s medicine for a weekend with his dad, so I drove to the restaurant at which they were eating, and when his girlfriend came out to get it, I rolled up the window and refused to communicate with her. My son and his dad were busy inside, but I was so dead-set on ignoring her presence and place in my ex’s life AND MY SON’S that I acted like a child. I am not proud of how I behaved, and it was reactive and disrespectful. Even now, I kick myself for it.

I focused so much of my energy on things outside of myself that I had zero control over that I created chaos where there did not need to be chaos. Looking back now, I am able to see that so much of it stemmed from insecurity and jealousy. Ultimately, I had to change how I saw myself before I could be at peace with the situation. I had to ground myself in reality instead of dwelling on things that 1) didn’t matter or 2) didn’t actually happen. I was so determined to have it my way that I tried to convince myself that it was better for my son if his father and I parented without any outside influence.

The Truth

Except that wasn’t remotely true at all. My son loved the time with his dad and their family. There was no denying that, and it wasn’t even fair for me to try. Eventually, it was time for me to realize that my son’s dad and I were not going to raise my son alone. We both built lives that we wanted our son to share in, and it wouldn’t be fair to exclude him from either of those, but by refusing to acknowledge the life his father had built, I was wounding my son. I was confusing him. Because my son loved us all – from blended to extended, so I had to let go of the bitterness. To do right by my son, I had to accept AND respect his dad’s choice. If I truly loved my son, I had to stop being so afraid of him loving someone else as a mother figure, and just let him love because he had it in his heart to give.

But most importantly? I had to respect the fact that my ex-husband had moved on. I had to respect their relationship. Their relationship was going to work regardless of how I felt about it. Their relationship had NOTHING to do with me unless it somehow damaged my son, which it did not. My ex didn’t have to treat me the way I thought he should. I was owed no grand gestures. There was no need for me to receive preferential treatment over his girlfriend. If I wanted to make peace, I had to come to terms with that. The law is there for the best interest of the child. He could choose his son with or without us getting along, and there was nothing I could do about it. I could push for this contempt-filled existence, where he acknowledged me as the mother of his child and I forced us to all remain in this miserable state, or I could grow-up, so that my son could have a balanced, peaceful life with two+ parents that love him. It took me a while, and I didn’t always get it right, but I chose to grow-up.

Don’t get me wrong. It hasn’t been easy. Even still there is a twinge of jealousy. My son’s bonusmama, ten years later, decorated his room at their house in 100% Stranger Things. It’s so cool that I want to sleep there. She’s got PHENOMENAL decorating skills and I don’t. She’s also really fashionable, and I’m not. I am pretty sure she belongs on HGTV, but I have really had to learn that someone else’s awesomeness does not negate or diminish mine. It just means that if something were to happen to me, I know my son would be loved by two awesome parents that love each other, and that they would see him through high school, college, and all his growing up while honoring my memory. I know that his bonusmama would do right by him because she loves him selflessly. He is so surrounded by love, regardless of whether he is here or there, that he’s a pretty well-adjusted, ridiculously happy teenager – if you can believe that one of those exists.

Lesson Learned

So, biomamas – I know it’s hard. You grew that baby within your body, and even in your soul. I get it. In so many ways, it feels like you’re being replaced. But you’re not. Sure, maybe the stepmama feels the need to assert herself into your custody agreement, but it does affect her. She and your child’s other parent have built, or maybe are building, a life together. For that to function, grow, and bloom, both of the adults get a say in how the household runs. If she has children, how her partner parents affects her children as well. It may not always be right or what you would choose, but if your child’s other parent chose to share a life with her, you will do your children more good by respecting that than fighting it. Your child’s support system is just expanding. Think of it as a tight rope act. If the tightrope walker were to fall, they’d want the strongest net possible to catch them. When you expand your family, you are creating a larger net of support for your precious babies.

In the long-run, I know that my son will have two mother-son dances at his wedding, and I know that he loves her unconditionally just as his dad loves her unconditionally – as she deserves to be loved. That doesn’t mean my son loves me any less, or that I am any less his mother. It just means that my son learned to love stronger and more, and that he is a better person because he has more people bonded together FOR him. We all recognize that we only hurt him if we stand in opposition of each other, so instead, we root for each other’s successes, and we help one another out whenever we can.

It isn’t easy, and there is no one right path to it. I cannot say that I was always on the high-road because I was not (as noted by the medicine incident above), and I think my son’s father and his, now, wife were there long before I was, but we did all reach this destination, and I would like to think that we are all better because of it.

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Ashley Woodford is a bio-mama, bonus-mama, wife, English teacher, grad school student, writer, and photographer. Her primary mission is to enrich the lives of others and find ways to leave people better than she found them, and she has found great pride and accomplishment in teaching middle school reading and writing. She worked very closely with a non-profit during her first years of education, and that sparked in her a desire to find a way to do more. That spark turned into a full-blown fire when she began her graduate studies in Counseling. By combining her love of teaching and writing with her passion for helping people, she hopes to continue to share advice with those that find themselves anxious or weighed down with the pressures and stresses that come from blending a family, and she hopes to break the stigma behind the idea of evil ex-wives and wicked stepmoms!