Raising Black Sons in America…
I am a white mama raising a mixed child and currently carrying another. When I first found out we were having a(nother) son, I cried, I struggled, I experienced a lot of different emotions not because I wasn’t happy or excited but because I was scared. He hasn’t even taken his first breath yet and I was already mourning him, and grieving his innocence and “normal” life. Sure, people think my 5-year-old is cute now and they will also think our new baby is cute when he is born but how will they be perceived as they grow up? When they are men?
How do I teach them that they are perfect in the way that they were created, that they are strong, good, and valuable? How am I supposed to teach them that they are worthy and they should be proud of who they are but also that the world may not see them that same way? That they will need to be “extra” respectful of authority to stay alive because of how they will be perceived because of their skin color? How do you, as a parent, teach this double standard while trying to keep their value, integrity, and heart intact?
How do I speak the same about their black father, how he is strong, goodhearted, protective, needed, has value and is worthy but that he also has to follow the same “extra” rules and live in a way of extreme caution because of how he is perceived because of his skin color?
How do I confront the fact that my kids riding in the same car as their father may see the unthinkable? How do I teach my kids to stay calm if their father is shot by a police officer at a traffic stop while they are in the backseat?
I’ll be honest, I have no idea. I just don’t know. It is so hard.
Honestly, I don’t want to teach my kids about the realities of the world but I have to go above and beyond in teaching my sons how to interact with police officers, I have to teach them to keep their hands visible, to give eye contact, speak clearly but don’t yell, not to argue even if it is unfair what they are being accused of.
Once upon a time, I thought that teaching my kids to be respectful and to always use their manners would be enough and they would be fine. It sounds gross and selfish to write out loud but I have even thought to myself – maybe they will be protected because I am white – will my privilege protect my kids? But of course, the answer is no and that was a naive and desperate thought.
My boys will be men one day. They will be out in the real world on their own. I cannot teach them to be colorblind, they need to know their worth, value, and dignity but also the reality that they will most likely have to face injustice. I have to prepare them for the world while protecting their hearts. I have to celebrate who they are, the color of their skin and their culture, and why they are perfect just the way they were created even though society may tell them otherwise.
Things have to change my friends. They have to change one conversation at a time. We have to stand up and speak against the injustices and we need to listen.
I wanted to write this to add a little perspective, whenever you think that a current real-world event or problem is not as big as you think, remember us, remember this post, remember my words, remember families like us.
Our voices together can change our children’s lives. I believe we can do better.
